To my oldest friend, and why I decided to end our friendship

Dear X,

I know that we’ve been with each other’s lives for so long, yet we’ve only met back in high school. While building our friendship back then, I can manage to ruin it at the same time. While making a castle out of our dreams, I can bare a demon to destroy it myself. It was a great journey, I should admit. But every time I think about good things, they don’t come out well to me as much as it did to you – and to our other friends.

It sucks that I did not made it in your eighteenth birthday this year. Where you told me that you wanted to talk about our problems in the recent year. It sucks as well that you keep on giving me second chances in a million times I’ve failed you, as much as I have failed my own self as a friend. Honestly, I wanted to work it out. But every time I think about forgiveness, all I can remember are the words from every movie telling another person on how dumb it is to ask if you never mean it yourself – and I meant myself.

It sucks that I will never tell you about the other artists which I listened to and hack in to your phone just to send you a copy of every song which I love. Just like it did in the old days, where you loved Melanie Martinez’s Cry Baby and how you thought my song writing was cool and crazy. And before a week to end a school year for clearance, we would be listening to random Troye Sivan or just a shuffled playlist song while eating any food to fill in the hunger.

It sucks that I will never tell anyone about One Direction anymore. Where Liam has a child just like Louis, and Harry’s a solo artist with an album which I couldn’t afford, Niall just being Niall with his acoustic songs, and Zayn leaving for some reason which made a junior tryna make a joke out of suicide because they think people kill their ownselves when someone leaves.

It sucks that the most sincere time of my life was the day I gave you a Valentine’s card and I tear up. Didn’t you know that there was a kid watching us? Didn’t you know that there were so many people watching us? I thought maybe they are jealous as well. Jealous that I cried because of our friendship, or I was heartbroken. For no reason, at that time, I felt like everything started to fade away.

It sucks that I’ll be spending the last few months of high school, thinking about high school as depressing as the numbers in our 10th grade math. Where I feel like our friends are trying to stay away from me, where every student despise me for a very unsociable look, and for me, just being me. But over summer, I thought about that idea and decided to make a new step to accept that it will happen all of the time in our lives.

It sucks that I wanted to end our journey back then around April. I never wanted to, but I really have to. If you could count all of my insanity, anxiety, dumbness, rude attitude, and any negative things that will make other people question you why you are friends with me, then this is the perfect answer. I am the worst case out of all the worst. I wanted you to be happier, and not worry about myself. Since I could live my life without knowing that there are other people who wanted me. I could live peacefully knowing that my own friends will never be with me until after death. I could live peacefully knowing that everyone will hate me. And I could live peacefully knowing that I do not deserve a certain forgiveness from a very repetitive mistake which I have done for a long time already.

I hope you will always understand. And I am sorry for being the worst case out of the worst.

Sincerely,

Z.

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